Death Cafe Berkeley Newsletter March 2024

How do you tell your life story?

When you tell your personal life story, is it linear with a clear beginning and end? Do you wander between memories and milestones weaving a spider web of events, or do you bring people down forks of major life moments?

Where do you begin? With your birth? Further back in time including the generations that came before you? Or do you start with the present, who you are now, how you got here and where you expect to go?

Every day we have an opportunity to retell our story to ourselves or others. Telling stories allows us to reinforce important memories that are the foundation of who we are. When we tell the story of our future our wishes are the early drafts of the life we want to create.

Reminder to keep telling your stories from the past and sharing your wishes for the future. Holding our past in balance with the future helps to ground us in the present.

Do

Upcoming Death Cafe events

April Death Cafe, April 27, 2024, 2 PM – 3:30 PM at the Central Library Community Meeting Room in downtown Berkeley.

Special May Death Cafe Speaker Event, free on May 25, 2024, 2 PM – 4PM at the Central Library Community Meeting Room in downtown Berkeley. Dr. David Pepper, MS, MD will discuss how to prepare for a home death. Planning ahead for the future requires thoughtful decision-making in the present, documenting these preferences, and engaging in open discussions with loved ones and healthcare providers. The conversation will include time for questions. Please RSVP here.

Watch

Movies, books and media can help unravel a topic or add a perspective we haven’t considered yet. Several movies were recently recommended. A simple search online can curate a list of suggested movies on any given topic. Personal recommendations have the added credibility of a trusted source and a chance to connect, “I watched that movie you told me about.”

If you like black and white movies that were made almost one hundred years ago Death Takes a Holiday (1934) should be on your list to watch Death take on human form so that he can be among mortals to answer why people fear him.

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The trailer of The Last Ecstatic Days, about a young man, Ethan Sisser, with terminal brain cancer documents his death journey to teach the world how to die without fear is moving enough. Finding a screening to watch the entire movie would be a wonderful experience.

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Last Flight Home has been described as, “Deeply personal to the point of discomfort, Last Flight Home contemplates mortality with an unblinking yet empathetic gaze.”

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Movies and documentaries have well crafted descriptions. This is another case in point. “Jack Tuller has a plan. And in the final hours of that plan, Jack will have a party with his friends, tell his wife how much he loves her, and finally take a cocktail designed to end his life peacefully.”

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Blackbird starring Susan Sarandon as Lily, who summons her loved ones to her beach house for one final gathering after she decides to end her long battle with ALS.

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ON OUR OWN TERMS: MOYERS ON DYING by Bill Moyers, Part 1 begins with Zen Hospice in San Francisco, CA with other videos here.

Listen

Podcasts were recommended too. Grief Is a Sneaky B!Tch, by Lisa Keefauver, is also a book on navigating grief no matter how many times and ways it shows up.

Your Going to Die (YG2D) is a podcast by Ned Buskirk that takes a deeper and varied exploration of death and dying. But it is so much more too, including events in San Francisco. Your exploration should begin here.

Death Cafe Berkeley Newsletter February 2024

How many times have you exclaimed, “Time passes so quickly?” I shouldn’t be surprised whenever I have that experience. But I am.

I planned to publish this newsletter post in February, but time moved so fast, filled with daily routines and unexpected events along the way that my target publication date slipped past me. I wrestled with what to do. Skip February and publish in March? Write about it or just quietly publish it and hope no one notices.

I decided to write about the missed self-imposed deadline and publish the newsletter in March but still title it the February Newsletter because it feels neater and more organized in my mind. Thank you for understanding and playing along.

Back to the racing clock. One thing that has helped me slow down time is to be grateful for the small things in life. Again, not a new idea at all, but recently some moments felt slower, frozen for just a bit, that it allowed the joy to linger and the details of the moment to be brighter.

Moments that slowed time for me; a bike ride that felt like I had a tailwind in both directions, extra appreciation from family for the regular dinner I prepared, a super restful night of sleep, and a perfectly ripe avocado, (which were preceded by two avocados far from their prime).

Noticed and Mentioned

Euphemisms for Death and Dying

I keep an updated list of expressions for death and dying. Here are the newest additions.
Getting ready to bail
Bought the farm
Give up the ghost
Pop one’s clogs

How to Depict Death

A Death Cafe attendee informed me of Codex, an international exposition of artists’ books.

“The books on display in this fair are high art, almost beyond belief in their complexity and beauty and originality, and mostly made from paper. This one caught my eye because it was made of transparent plastic panels instead. I was amazed to discover that its title was The Last Breath, and that it was a lovely meditation on the transition from life to death. The pictures on her website don’t do it justice; it’s hard to capture because it is (intentionally) so transparent.”

Source: Amandine Nabarra

Watch

Another recommendation from a Death Cafe participant, New Rules for End of Life Care: A Guide on the Stages of Death by Barbara Karnes is an educational kit to understand the dying process.

During a recent Death Cafe event the topic of whether healthy lifestyles matter for longevity. They shared this video series on the lifespan of health influencers. Check out all three episodes.

Read

Months to Years features creative nonfiction, poetry, and art that explores mortality, death, and dying-related topics.

From the California Department of Public Health, the End of Life Option Act allows an adult diagnosed with a terminal disease, who meets certain qualifications, to request the aid-in-dying drugs from their attending physician.

California Legislative information on AB-15 End of LIfe Act went into effect on June 9, 2016. Revisions to the law were approved and are effective 1/1/2022. “This law allows a terminally ill adults who are California residents to request a medication from his or her physician that will end his or her life. People who choose to end their lives this way, and who carefully follow the steps as outlined by the legislature, will not be considered to have committed suicide”

Death Cafe Berkeley Newsletter January 2024

We went on a self-guided walking tour of murals in the Mission District in San Francisco, California. After we visited the landmark sites, we couldn’t help but spot all the other murals in the neighborhood. Small ones on garage doors or larger ones high up on the facade of a nondescript building. We were thinking of murals, so we noticed them everywhere. 

When impermanence and end-of-life is a recurring thought, you start to spot it everywhere. You will be pleasantly surprised when you find examples that illustrate these reflections and bring your thoughts to life. Connecting the dots, finding patterns, and noticing themes in life can make us feel connected and give us the impression that everything makes sense, without having a tidy answer. 

This is what I have noticed recently and what others have shared with me. 

Noticed and Mentioned

“You know you’re going to die—today, tomorrow, within fifty years,” Flamini told herself. “What is it that you want to do with your life before that happens?”

Jasmine Rae de Lung, a San Francisco-based cake maker, adds more than decorations to cakes. “Her mother has a terminal illness, which has centered de Lung’s focus on change, aging and death. For that day’s decorating, she drew inspiration from dried flowers, a symbol of the passage of time.

“What’s interesting about a dried flower is you cut it off from its life source, but it still has fluid and life in it for a little while,” she said. “It’s not like it freezes in time. It continues to move. And then as it dries, it curls more and continues to develop and change until at some point it just stays still.”

Learn

Existential Anxiety and the Human Experience

The online learning platform, Udemy, offers a one-hour course on how the works of Ernest Becker, author of the 1974 Pulitzer Prize-winning book, The Denial of Death and Terror Management Theory Can Improve Your Life by understanding the implications of our awareness of mortality. The course examines the way death anxiety shows up in one’s own life as well as society at large.

The two-minute video trailer is worth a watch, even if committing to the full course doesn’t fit your schedule now. This course is free. You can use your library card to get a free Udemy account to take other courses that might have a fee. 

Listen

From the Life Examined podcast, “God is a verb. the mystical, existential poetry of Christian Wiman.” The poet talks about how preparing for death because of a cancer diagnosis influenced his thought, faith, and poetry. It made me think of the Death Cafe and those conversations. Here is the link to the podcast episode if you want to listen to it:

Wiman’s new book of poetry, Zero at the Bone: Fifty Entries Against Despair has received rave reviews. Here’s one of the poems from the book, “No Omen but Awe”:

I thought it would all resolve

one day in diamond time.

Life like a gem to lift to the squint

as through a jeweler’s loupe.

I thought every facet and flaw

neither facet nor flaw in some final shine;

chance and choice uncanny cognates;

form, fate.

Now I am here.

No diamond, no time, no omen but awe

that a whirlwind could in not cohering cohere.

Loss is my gift, bewilderment my bow.

Watch

Schitt’s Creek co-creator Daniel “Dan” Levy’s directorial debut, Good Grief, is loosely based on his personal experience of loss. The comedy-drama sees the main lead dealing with the death of a loved one. Available on Netflix.

“A STILL SMALL VOICE follows Mati, a chaplain completing a year-long hospital residency, as she learns to provide spiritual care to people confronting profound life changes. Through Mati’s experiences with her patients, her struggle with professional burnout, and her own spiritual questioning, we gain new perspectives on how meaningful connection can be and how painful its absence is.”

Discover

“My resolution for 2024/ Think about death.”

By the end of January New Year’s resolutions are often revisited or replaced. This SF Chronicle article details one person’s resolution to think more about death. Attending a Death Cafe allows us to reflect on mortality as part of a New Year’s resolution or one-time experience. 

From the article, I summarized the different ways thinking about death is described and paired it with the suggested benefits. From my calculations, what we get from thinking about death is a gift that far outweighs the time or any discomfort that may come from regular reflection. 

What we do:	What we get
– Think more about death -Regular reflection on mortality -Acknowledge the impermanence of life – Conscious contemplation of death	– Use our time more wisely and meaningfully – Enhance gratitude for the present  – Strengthen interpersonal connections – Cultivate a deeper appreciation for the people and experiences that bring joy and meaning – Align our actions with our values -Pursue a life that reflects our authentic selves.Prioritize what truly matters

FYI to read the full article you have to log in to an SF Chronicle subscriber account. If you don’t have one, you can access it with your Berkeley Library account.

Reminder

The next Death Cafe is 1:30 – 3:00 PM on Saturday, February 3 at the Central Branch Public Library community room. 

To keep up with Berkeley Public Library’s (BPL) programs, events, Death Cafe meetups, and similar death awareness and preparation workshops scheduled in 2024, SIGN UP NOW to Library Happenings.

If you want to search for events at the Library choose the EVENTS tab and the Mind/Body Category. 

Or use the keyword “Death Cafe” and select “WEBSITE” for accurate search results.

Death Cafe Berkeley Newsletter December 2023

At every Death Cafe, the Berkeley Public Library staff curates a collection of books and movies under the themes of death, dying, grief, legacy, mortality, aging, etc. 

For more recommendations and reviews of books, the blog Dead Good Reading is a source to keep handy. Author Renske Visser summarizes the collection of books insightfully, “Almost every book is about death, if you start to think about it really. And even if it is not overly deathy, watch me make it so!”

The latest book review, and beautiful photo of the cover, is All My Wild Mothers: Motherhood, Loss and an Apothecary garden, a memoir written by Victoria Bennett.

If you are looking for a movie under the same themes, Dr. Dan Vena and Jade Courchesne created a non-exhaustive list of 25+ films that have anchored both casual and academic conversations on death, dying and grief for Lifting The Lid 2022, an International Festival of Death and Dying

A CNN article cited a study that analyzed interviews with 660 people from Oxford, Ohio, that were conducted over more than two decades and matched these with mortality information. The researchers found that those with a positive attitude toward aging lived on average 7.5 years longer than those who viewed it as something bad. I wonder if a positive attitude towards death and dying would have similar results. The article quoted Dr. Luigi Ferrucci, geriatrician and director of the Baltimore Longitudinal Study on Aging, “When aging comes, it’s not so bad if you have been planning for it.” Hopefully preparing and planning for dying makes it not so bad too. 

And before you go, some good news from the New York Times about the reopening of a senior center.

This news story reminds me that I am grateful for the Berkeley Public Library system that gives us a place where we can come and express and talk.

“Seniors in eastern Los Angeles this fall celebrated the reopening of a local senior center — a milestone for the community — after the center was shuttered for more than three years because of the coronavirus pandemic.

The senior center, in Lincoln Heights, has long been a vital part of daily life for older residents. After the pandemic forced the center to close for an extended period, those who missed it rallied their council members to get it up and running again. Many noted the importance of the center’s trips, classes and social services.

Three years after the initial closure, that dream came true: The Lincoln Heights Senior Center officially reopened in October with a celebration that drew more than 100 and included a ribbon-cutting ceremony, balloons and plenty of merrymaking.

“This is what it was about before Covid,” Vera Padilla, a community member, told KABC-TV of the senior center’s value. “Now they have a place where they can come and express and talk.””

The next Death Cafe is 6:00 – 7:30 PM on Wednesday, January 17, 2024 at the West Branch Berkeley Public Library.

Death Cafe Berkeley Newsletter November 2023

Thank you to those who attended the Wednesday November 15 Death Cafe in person, especially on a rainy and dark night. You made an empty room come alive with your presence. For those of you who couldn’t make it here is information and ideas from the evening.

If you would like to give feedback (anonymously) on your experience, or if there is anything you’d like to tell me, I will read it.

The next Death Cafe is 6:00 – 7:30 PM on Tuesday, December 12 at the West Branch Berkeley Public Library. 

To keep up with Berkeley Public Library’s (BPL) programs, events, Death Cafe meetups and similar death awareness and prep workshops planned in 2024, SIGN UP NOW to Library Happenings.

If you want to search for events at the Library choose the EVENTS tab and the Mind/Body Category. 

Mentioned and Recommended.

Life is like a big, long adventure story. And just like in a story, there comes a time when the adventure has to end. Death is like reaching the last page of the book. The adventure has concluded but the impact of the story lives on. However, unlike life, there is always another book. 

The Berkeley library system has a large collection of books and media on death and dying. The book I shared, “We All Know How This Ends, Lessons About Life and Living from Working With Death and Dying” by Anna Lyons and Louise Winter isn’t at the Library yet, but available for purchase at your bookseller of choice. 

In addition to discussion, the written word can give us comfort and insight into our journey from birth to death. These two books on “the essence of death awareness haiku – a poetry of truth, love, and freedom” are by a psychologist who moved from New York City to Berkeley, CA in 1982. The author rediscovered haiku in the 1990s after mysteriously developing chronic health problems which significantly impacted both body and mind. “My attention span has been shrunk to the length of a single breath–just right for writing haiku.”

Checkout Time is Noon: Death Awareness Haiku

Checkout Time is Soon: More Death Awareness Haiku

Did you know? – “incorruptible,” is a term the Catholic Church uses to describe people whose bodies — or parts of their bodies — did not decompose after death? The New York Times reported that in Missouri, four years after her death, the body of Sister Wilhelmina Lancaster had not decomposed and believers came from all over to see for themselves.

*The library gives you free 72-hour access to the digital version of the New York Times. 

Did you read? –  “A Hospice Nurse on Embracing the Grace of Dying?” Hadley Vlahos, answers questions that have come up during Death Cafe discussions; What should more people know about death, and Have you thought about what a good death would be for you?

What are you serving or bringing to Thanksgiving? Along with your favorite side dish or dessert, Maura McInerney-Rowley, Hospice Operations Director, and Death Doula suggested to “spice it up with death instead.” Consider the following questions.

1/ Legacy Exploration:

If you could pass on one piece of advice, wisdom, or quote to future generations, what would it be, and why is it important to you?

2/ End-of-Life Preferences:

Have you considered how you’d like your end-of-life journey to look like?

Do you have an advance directive?

Would you rather be buried, cremated, or human-composted?

3/ Bucket List Reflections:

If you only had one year left to live, what would be the top three things you’d want to accomplish or experience?

Describe how you would spend the year and make an initial 30-day plan.

4/ Digital Afterlife:

In this age of technology, what would you want to happen to your digital presence (social media, emails, etc.) after you pass away?

Who would you be ok with finding/deleting the nudes on your phone?

5/  Near Death Experiences:

Have you ever had a moment in your life that felt like a close call or a turning point?

How did it shape your perspective on life and death?

6/ Hospice and Comfort Care:

What does your ideal death look like?Who is there?

Where are you?What can you see?

What can you hear?

7/ Life Review:

If you had the chance to watch a movie of your life’s most significant moments, what scenes would you want to revisit, and why?

What version of yourself do you want to be on your deathbed, and what version of yourself are you now? Assess what is missing.

8/ Grief Support:

Who was the most recent person you loved that has died? What do you wish you could say to them?

What is the most helpful thing someone has done for you during a difficult time, and how do you think we can better support each other in times of grief?

9/ AI and Immortality:

With technological advancements, some believe in the possibility of living forever through AI.

Would you approve of your loved ones utilizing AI to speak with you whenever they wanted, even after you died?

If you could live forever, would you want to?

10/ Reflection on Mortality:

If you could find out how and when you would die, would you want to know?

If you could choose how and when you would die, but it meant reducing your lifespan by ten years, would you?

* * *

Reminder – The next Death Cafe is 6:00 – 7:30 PM on Tuesday, December 12 at the West Branch Berkeley Public Library.  An opportunity to discuss death, deathcare and death awareness with others.

Aging in Art

“Aging Pride,” an exhibit at the Belvedere Museum in Vienna Austria explores aging through works of art.

The New York Times review of the exhibit reported that “Low birthrates from Spain to Slovakia, combined with increasing life spans, will see Europe’s work force shrink nearly 12 percent by 2060: a phenomenon with not only worrisome economic consequences but political ones, too. ”

The article questions what sort of lives will this generation live. It makes me question what will the quality of my life with my family be in our zip code and is there a location that will better suit our lifestyles in the future. We have a many years before this become a burning question. In the meantime I would welcome a visit to this exhibit.

*Photo credit to Joahnnes Stoll, Copyright Belvedere, Vienna.

 

So what do you call older people?

NPR reporter on aging, Ina Jaffe, recently discussed a poll that asked – what to call the people that she covers in her articles. In summary, there was more enthusiasm for terms that were despised than enthusiasm for any term that people really liked.

The experience of aging has certainly changed, but our vocabulary to reflect that change has fallen short. Life expectancy is increasing along with the quality of life, and retirement is getting pushed to the horizon as “…nearly three quarters of baby boomers plan to continue working during their so-called retirement years.”

Perhaps we should ask the opinion of J.K Rowling, author of the popular Harry Potter series, who might modify her description of Lord Voldemort and offer us the term ” The-Experience-That-Can’t-Be-Named.” The vocabulary may not be available to describe the experience of later life but the opportunities to personalize and redefine it are available and growing. Let’s not stop the transformation and wait.  Keep transforming.

Positive

Older Adult – Acceptable with no enthusiasm

Elder – Most respectful

Senior – Fine

Geezer, old-timer, elderly – Obviously despised

 

Negative

Senior citizen – Forget that!

Positive Aging/Successful Aging – Thumbs down

Retirement – On its way out

Seth’s Blog: Thoughts on HugDug

Seth’s Blog: Thoughts on HugDug

From the POV of an adult caregiver or someone who is seeking support to adjust to a later-life stage in order to maintain independence; finding that specific support service – especially if family and friends are not available or even your first choice – can be challenging or almost impossible

What could HugDug mean to you?

Recently Seth Godin announced HugDug, “…a place where you could help people discover stuff they didn’t even know they were looking for?”

I applaud the mission, the design and notably that half of their profits will go to charitable organizations.

But things from Amazon come in boxes and community-based care services for older adults, or those managing a transition from hospital to home, need the services of people not products in boxes.

Right now you can filter your product search on HugDug by: All Products, Apparel, Automotive, Baby, etc. What if we could insert the category “Age In Place” to find not only useful products but helpful local services that other recommend and endorse. For example very similar to the list of trusted service providers that the Beacon Hill Village, a member-driven organization for Boston residents 50 and over offers. In addition to access to recommended providers your purchase goes to help out others in such programs the Safe At Home program from Rebuilding Together in Oakland, CA. 

How might we (HMW) create a platform that makes it easy to raise your hand for help, reach out to offer assistance and  manage the ebb and flow of daily living needs at home?

 

Alzheimer’s Blood Test Raises Ethical Questions | WBUR & NPR

“Knowing their risk of developing cognitive impairment is very relevant to making plans around retirement and where they live,”

via Alzheimer’s Blood Test Raises Ethical Questions | WBUR & NPR.

Knowing one’s risk of an impending impairment would help one prepare for and possibly prevent it. But there is one life stage we will all experience in one form or another (barring death) that doesn’t require a blood test – aging and the physical adjustments and supports we may need to make daily life comfortable and feasible.  The tenets of universal design (UD) in our daily living environment are not meant to protect from future ailments of aging but rather to make today more comfortable.

You undoubtedly have already experience the pleasure of UD.  Recall an experience with that wide hallway, stepless entry, OXO kitchen tool or decorative grab bar in a hotel shower. Perhaps they blended so much into your experience that you didn’t even notice it. In contrast we all remember that uncomfortably small bathroom, the item on a cupboard too high to reach, or that scary slippery floor which we carefully skated across with nothing to grab for balance.

We may not need a test to tell us we will age so let’s not wait to make our daily living environment a bit more comfortable for ourselves or that visitor to our home that would surely appreciate it.

What If UBER added a Silver Ride button?

Learning to drive a car is a memorable experience of aging. Losing or giving up driving is another  experience of aging but memorable for many other, much less celebratory, reasons. In middle age I dream of giving up my car and replacing it with an electric assist bicycle for commuting, errands and family life. Even though I live in a climate and community that supports such a dream, my extreme commute does not, so I remain shackled behind the wheel watching the speedometer on the dashboard and visualizing the “waste-ometer’ in my head that is measuring wasted time, money, chances to be active, opportunities to minimize my carbon footprint, and the list goes on.

The newly redesigned NYC taxi cab brings hope to the world of useful automobiles and newly designed accessible and freedom for riders of all ages. Getting from A to B is important but diminished freedom for those who don’t have easy access to transportation for important events of daily life it can be daunting and even dangerous. Missing a doctor appointment could set off a string of medical mishaps, especially for someone frail and managing multiple meds and conditions. I hope the accessible design features of the widened door, expanded head room and hump-free flat floor of the new taxi cab brings freedom to those who may have shied away from traditional taxi cab experiences.

Now we just need UBER to add a “Luxury” or “Freedom” choice to their service (not vehicle) options to provide trusted assistance to accompany riders during their outings to offer that little bit of extra help – basically a Silver Ride button on the UBER App.

Mashup: Uber + Silver Ride